HOMESICK

November 19, 2010 – I'm sick for almost a month and I had visit doctor three times but my condition still the same. For almost a month also, I started to lose my appetite. I force myself to eat some biscuits or bread because I have to take medicine. Almost everyday I skip my lunch because I don't feel like eating. I hate this kind of routine. Everyday eat medicine but I'm not recover at all. I'm not getting enough vitamin, proteins and mineral because losing appetite effect my mood to eat. Kinda feel like anorexia. On the first visit to doctor, I weight 53kg and on my second visit, I weight 52kg. Yes, I'm happy losing weight even 1kg but I don't like this kind of unhealthy lifestyle. It's really suck.

My colleagues say they know why I'm sick and never recover. The reason because I'm HOMESICK. At first, I think its not make sense and I refuse to accept this excuse. When I though over on my condition. I ask myself “AM I???”.....Yes!!! I admit I'm homesick.

First time in my life, I leave far away from my family. Usually my mummy will taking care of my daily meals and now, nobody was here for it. I eaten or not, nobody was here to remind. Been far from hometown, I finally see the other side of me. I always think I can stand on my own and I am not childish like others usually think. Denial stage is over now, I must admit I am childish even I'm 24 years old. I find its hard living alone because mentally and physically I was never ready for this. I'm not regret moving here. I just find loneliness tend to be part of me. But I don't want to go back to my lifestyle when I was fifteen. I had enough with those lifestyle. I just want a laid back and relax lifestyle. Luckily I'm not living in KL. Petaling Jaya is kinda a laid back place. Although its boring but I had enough time to sleep and I'm not so into the night life.

According to Maslow theory, we need to fulfil our basic need before moving to another stage of life process. Right now, I'm on my way to fulfill my basic need (food, shelter and cloths) and get myself to adjust into this lifestyle. I used to think I was ready enough to make this turnover with my life. The reality shown I'm not fully ready mentally and physically to move out from my hometown. As usually stubbornness struck and defense mechanism is way high.

I ask myself back this question “What is the reason I decided to leave hometown for a year?”. There were a hidden agenda I remain secret and I never told my parent about but telling them I want to grow up and start to learn about life. Yes, part of it was true and part of it, I'm trying to give myself a year break to discover few answer which I need to clarify. Sometime away would help us find the most perfect answer to each of our confusion. After all, my journey just begin and I never expected to be in homesick. Now I understand how does it feel to be in homesick situation and emotions. It's suck!!!

YEARS FROM NOW

October 1, 2010 - What will I do YEARS FROM NOW??? Will I be working with government as psychologist officer or perhaps I might be working in private sector. Could it be years from now, I’ll be doing what I want or still following what’s people want me to do. I’m dreaming to live an independent life and get myself out from my hometown. Being lone ranger traveler to other state would probably open my eyes and mind to see the wonders of this world. I know I must step out from this place in order to do what I want in this life. Leaving doesn’t mean I’m tired with my old routine. Leaving means I’m ready to accept new challenge to live on my own and get myself out from my comfort zone.

Where will I be YEARS FROM NOW??? I’m definitely choosing not to stay in my hometown. Will I live in KL or maybe in other part of this world? My life is my journey. I choose each path I want to travel. Each day I need to decide where should I go. Should I walk to the left or to the right? Never too late to make changes because I’ve decided to follow my heart. Living in regret does never exist in my diary. I make mistake but what’s worth of making this mistake is learning from the mistake. Dare to make mistake and learn from it. This is the lesson of life. Nobody know what’s future are waiting for each of us.

Who will I be YEARS FROM NOW??? I do not have the answer for this but I’m praying years from now, I will find the answer to each of my questions. Will I stay single or perhaps ending my single status? I’ll live this question to GOD. I believe if he is my destiny, I will return into his life and be with him until the rest of my life. For this moment, I never doubt his love for me and I never doubt my love for him. Despite all the obstacles me and him need to face, I’ll be stronger each day because I don’t want to burden him anymore. I love him and I never want to lose him.

YEARS FROM NOW….I’ll walk patiently until this day arrives. Along the way, I know I might get hurt, disappointed, happy, sad, confused, stress, joyful, and all the other mix feelings. I believe this journey will make me a stronger person to face each day patiently.

A.N.G.E.L

I believe that family and friends around me were sent by above as my ANGEL. I am lucky because I was surround by so many angel. Never knew that today, I lost one of them. She is the angel I called Khai (Khairina Badron). I met Khai during my 1st year in UNIMAS because she is my coursemate too. My 1st group experience with her was in Cognitive Sciences and Psychology Cognitive group assignment. Since that day, we been together as group mate for about 7 semester. Until finally we came out with 4K geng which consist of Khai, Karen, Ewty and me. Everytime we have group discussion, we couldnt resist but making all the noises in CAIS. I cant forget those jokes and laughter that we had. She would cool me down when my temper is out of control and she would apologize on behalf of other group mate who is late. She is so sweet until we came out by quoting "So sweet (Khai, 2009)". Until the end, I will always bear in my mind how sweet she was.

I remember when she was assign a task to organize dinner before our internship, she was so humble and she deny of her own capabilities. But deep in Khai, I know she can manage well her ask. Her humble attitude is what I like the most. Even unti right this moment, I still havent met anyone like her. She is irresplaceable. She is a wonderful friend of mine but now I cant even had a chance to tell her I really love a friend like her.

I was extremely shock when I receive Imah sms saying that Khai is gone. I try to confirm with others and finally my tear falling from my eyes. I did not cry during our last day before going to internship but today, my tear was just like last night heavy rain. I try to be professional and I try so hard to be strong but I was too weak to accept the truth. I'm losing her for sure and this is the fact I must face. If I had a chance to ask GOD, I would ask GOD why GOD choose to write her story like this?

One more month to 10/10 to our convocation. This is sudden and unpredictable. I wish to meet her during our convocation but this dream seem to be unfilled. She wont be with me during our convocation. I miss sitting next to her and I miss her laughter and jokes.

"Semoga roh arwah akan ditempatkan bersama orang-orang yang beriman dan baik-baik sahaja. Sahabat mu disini redha dengan pemulangan mu ke sana. Semoga suatu hari nanti, kita pasti akan bertemu kembali di dunia yang lain lagi"....I MISS YOU, KHAI!!!!

WHEN LIFE LEAVES YOU HANGING.....DON'T QUIT!!!!!!

JULY 16, 2010 - I am going to be a counsellor soon…very soon and I know I shouldn’t let negative thoughts keep on hanging in my mind. But sometime, I was too weak to fight with this negative ion. I know no matter what, I will always survive through those obstacles. Along the process, it hurt and sometime I do feel like giving up with my life. Sometime I would ask myself, “What the use of hanging on?”, “Is this worth?” and “Will I ever find my way back?”. Those questions playing on my mind 24/7.

I can’t help myself from questioning my action and what I want. Why must I face this challenge? Why must I give up? Too much “WHY” questions and I’m getting tired with this. I wish I would find the answer. Counsellor is also human being. I can’t run away from facing my own emotions. I have problems too and the weirdest part of all is counsellor could guide their client but they hardly could guide themselves.

QUIT. This is the word I learn when my problem seems no way out. I remember when the first time of my life, I was having this scary thought of living this world. I don’t have courage to get a knife and cut my wrist because I don’t want my family to feel this pain. I keep silent while smiling to the world but deep in myself, I’ve torn into pieces. This is my scariest experience. Where did I get my courage to stay alive?? I get to stay alive through this words “THE REAL TEST OF LIFE IS NOT DARE TO DIE BUT DARE TO BE ALIVE”. At first, I don’t understand but when I think deep, I’ve finally found the meaning of this word. That’s make me stronger to face and feel each pain. Those pains make me alive.

Happiness is equally with sadness. That’s the fact. Sometime I will get what I want and sometime I was force to give up on what I want the most. I feel sweetness and at another day, I feel bitter. That’s the taste of life. There’s only one way to walk through, “DON’T QUIT”. No matter what’s life is taking me, I will never ever quit. Even though, I may fail but at least I did try.

IMPOSSIBLE = I'M POSSIBLE

I used to say IMPOSSIBLE during my adolescent age. When I was in my teenage year, I was scared to dream because for me my dream is impossible to achieve. I never dream to complete STPM, going to university, taking degree in Counselling, or being successful career woman someday. All I dream was to complete SPM. I used to envy those friends who aim to have great dream to achieve. I used to listen to their plan regarding with their future planning. All I do is just thinking “IMPOSSIBLE” and I just sit there without doing any plan for my future.

As time pass and now I’m 24 year olds. Looking back on those roads I have walk along this life. WOW!!! AMAZING is the only word I could use to represent my life. Along this journey, I achieve so much and I also lost some part of it. This is not about how much I gain or how much I lost. This is about what did I learn along this life. I never knew that I am the lucky one until today I finally appreciate what had belong to me all this time. I should feel grateful with my life. I shouldn’t let myself to say “IMPOSSIBLE” because there’s always “I’M POSSIBLE”.

Nothing is impossible because everything is possible. It was the individual to determine either to make it possible or to leave it impossible. As long as I believe and I faith in myself, I’ll never make myself to say “IMPOSSIBLE”. This is my life and I only have one life. If I die now, I will never been given second chance to repeat this life again. Why should I underestimate myself by thinking “IMPOSSIBLE” when I did not even give myself a chance to try? I’ll walk this through because I believe in every dark sky or heavy rain, there’s always lay the beautiful rainbow beyond it.

LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST

Uncertainty seem to trouble my mind right this moment. I feel melancholy knowing that I should inform JPA as soon as possible regarding with my status now. Why I’m feeling this way when I suppose to feel happy doing this informing letter to JPA. The faster I inform them, the faster I will settle down with my career. Then, I won’t worry about my career and my future. It is because I will be leaving my hometown? I wish I have enough time before moving to KL. I hope to settle everything before I leave this town. That’s all I asked for because I want to live my life to the fullest.

Some might question my action and my decision but I don’t want keep on leaving in regret. I know I did lots of crazy things and some of it doesn’t make sense. But do I care much what other will think about me. I’m sick being coward and hiding from my own shadow. I’m just being me, myself and I. Live my life to the fullest was my motto. I know what is good and what is bad. I know there are certain things I shouldn’t carry on and there are things I must let go. All I ask is to have a simple life. That’s all I wanted from this life.

I’m not perfect and I commit sins. I hurt peoples and I’ll make them cry. I’m bad yet I know the reason behind my action. I’ll apologize if I did wrongs. They can stop anything in my life but not what’s lay within my heart. They can hate me but they can’t take away the real me. My rule is simple to live life to the fullest and don’t leave in regret. I do what I want, I do what’s make me happy, I’ll keep on doing what’s make me smile, I’ll make sure people I love living in bliss because when the day I die, I won’t go in regret. I’ll keep on living my life to the fullest as long as I am still alive.